my blog

3:14 p.m

Listen, I really hate to be a whiner - it's not something that I enjoy doing but jesus when I tell ya'll my job just sucks the life out of me. I really really try to put my 8 hours in and then go home and try to make the most of my life. But day in and day out everything revolves around it. When im not at work I think about how much I dread going back. When Friday comes, I already feel dread on Saturday because Sunday Scaries are lethal.

I have become a complete anti-social lump, I cannot stand to be around anyone if I don't have to. I don't want to talk or chit-chat I legitimately just keep my unecessary social interactions to a minimum. And I used to be friends with my coworkers! I would tell them about my life, do things outside of work, take trips even!

But I just can't.

For various reasons I just cannot. Some of my coworkers I've simply grown to resent and others just are unfortunate to be experiencing my social shut-down that has come on in the last couple of months.

I can't get into specifics of what my job is. All I will say, is that it is a job that offers ALOT of flexibility. It's computer based and lends itself to being hybrid/remote. My company, who has most of their admin on salary, has me on hourly. What this means is that if I finish my work at 2:00pm , I have to stay until my clock out time regardless because otherwise the timeclock will ding me and I will get sent to HR. - If I twist my ankle and am completely fine to work but simply cannot drive to the office?

I have to take the day off (unpaid or paid), whilst everyone else thats salary? -

"I'm not feeling well I'll be working from home today."

"My child has a half day so I'll be leaving early and working home the rest of the day."

"The roads are iced over today so I will be working from home today if you cannot make it in please let me know if you would like to use PTO"

Long story short, I am in search of a new job, it's hard tho. I would obviously ideally like a hybrid/remote job in my area or even just a job where it's like once you've done your work for the day you can go home. The job market is ass right now so it's definitely not an easy task.

Sigh

I'm praying something changes soon, I am miserable.

4:10pm

Hola fwens. Im currently at work right now and it's storming. It's pretty slow at work during the summer so I have a lot of time to kill. Today I decided to watch Blackfish because it is free on YouTube with ads! I had seen it yeeeeaaars ago when it was on Netflix but I have a remarkably bad memory so watching it again was like watchning it for the first time again lol. I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said about it, it's heartbreaking, its eye-opening, its SCARY.

After doing some research I had no idea just how MANY incidents there have been in relation to Orcas and their trainers! I for some reason had believed that there had been around 3-4 incidents in all of the history that Orcas have been held captive at aquatic parks. There has been a lot (over 30!) documented attacks of captive Orcas.

(1 hour later)

I'm home now lol. Anyway, yeah watching Blackfish just really perturbed me, I really feel for both the Orcas and the trainers because it does suck to feel bad for the animals and want to do your best you can to provide them with love and care, but unfortuately SeaWorld (and many other marine parks) as a corporation are just abusing and giving those animals a miserable life, it's no wonder they are agressive. And it's even more sad because that is not even in their nature! For the longest time Orcas have not been documented to have any fatal attacks on humans.

BUT, in the last couple of years there has! There has been more reports of pods of orcas in the wild attacking boats, and people and they have not done that before! They are very intelligent creatures and i think they've gotten the memo of how humans have treated them and they do not see us as friends anymore. AND I DO NOT BLAME THEM!!

Anyway Orcas are majestic and scary and they are probably planning to destroy us all. I've bought some alcohol and have the night to myself so ima drink and code some i guess. Maybe ill play some Urbz on my emulator. TTYL GIRLS!!

11:13pm

hello and welcome back! The layout looks pretty okay, I can live with it for a while, it'll get the job done. I am currently in bed and should be trying to sleep right now but I am on a kick and wanted to write some more hehe.

Whilst I am in bed typing away I am also watching twilight on DVD! I rewatched twilight during the pandemic and now its one of my fav comfort movies which is so typical but its true! It's so stylistic and campy that it's just a reliable watch as you can decide how into it you want to get each time you see it! I put this in to fall asleep too but Bella is currently confessing that she knows Edward is a vampire and i'm still awake smh.

Regardless, I am actually watching this on my new DVD/VHS player! My boyfriend and I went thrifting yesterday for memorial day and found some great stuff! I got a new cd player with speakers thatt I do want to attatch a picture of (i'll have to remember to do that tomorrow.) because it is so cool it really retro futuristic to me and I am very glad that my bf messed arounf with it because I wasn't sure if it worked at first! Some other things I got were some dvd's, a dvd rack, a lamp, a smiley face cup, aaaanndddd a DVD/VHS player !! :D surprise surprise

So I actually don't know if the VHS part works as I don't have any to test out, so tomorrow when I get off work I'll see if I can find one at Goodwill because I'm impatient and don't want to wait for my bf to bring one lol. He said that the inside looks good and after looking at online diagrams I also think it has a good chance of working! It's Sony brand so I have high hopes. It didn't come witha remote unfortuately so I can't cycle through options once the DVD starts so I just have to hope the first option is play movie whenever the main menu comes up lol. I ordered a replacement remote and it should be here thursday hopefully!!

In the meantime, I'll just watch twilight over and over and over and over again hehehehe

TTYL girls and sleep well !! <3

Well.. this is my first blog post. I'm actually remaking my journal/blog page because I wanted the code to make a little more sense and be more streamlined.. That goal I do not think has been met buttttttt fuck it.

This coding stuff is nawt easy but I actually have learned so much in the last two months I have on and off been working on this website! It just sucks because I know I am totally hyperfixated on this right now. It's all I want to do in my free time! And while I am glad I have found a productive hobby that makes me happy I fear it does distract from my real life. The more I learn the more I want to do! I'll be sitting at work and any chance I get I open a VSCode and code in the corner hehehehe.

I want to be more intentional with my time but it's so frustrating. I got home from worked, cleaned up and rearranged a bit (literally moved my computer set up downstairs) and I feel like I've been working on this page for like an hour and a half max. Yet its been nearly 4 hours! The time just flies and it sucks because I should be getting ready for work tomorrow but I don't want to do that !! I want to code and explore the indie web! WAHHHH. I suppose there are worse hyperfixations to have. But one one hand I don't want to burn out my interest too quickly by working on this too much, but on the other I don't want to avoid doing it in fear of being obsessive and then in turn lose interest all together.

*sigh* I suppose I am not even looking for advice just wanted to rant my feelings out there. Welp lets publish this page and see if the code doesn't look horrendous. TTYL girls!